I’ve been a people pleaser for about as long as I can remember. In fact, I used to think this was just a “fun fact” about myself. Like, “yeah, I’m just one of those people pleasers”.
It wasn’t until a few years ago I started to see what havoc this was wreaking on my personal health and relationships.
So after paying attention to the greatest ways people pleasing was holding me back, I decided to make four commitments to myself to overcome this problem.
Needless to say, it’s not totally solved, but these four commitments are helping me make progress.
Here they are.
1. Don’t ask too many people for their opinions.
I used to do this thing where, when I was making a big decision—like, you know, what to do for lunch or whether it’s appropriate to wear white shoes before labor day—I would “poll the audience”.
By poll the audience I just mean, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire style, I would ask everyone I knew what their advice was about that particular topic and then I would take the most-often given advice and assume that was probably the best answer.
The problem was I did this at the expense of my own intellect and intuition.
These days I don’t allow myself to poll the audience for decisions. For small decisions (like lunch) I just make up my own mind.
For bigger decisions, I usually find one or two people I trust and say:
“Hey, here’s my problem or situation. Here’s what I’m planning to do about it. Can you help me see my blind spots? Do you have any additions or concerns?”
2. Be honest first and humble second.
Here’s what I mean by this.
As a people pleaser, my tendency is to not speak up when I have an opinion. I’ve told myself this is the humble approach, letting other people share their thoughts and avoiding saying anything that might hurt someone’s feelings.
But one thing I’m learning is that keeping my mouth shut is not humble and offending people is just part of life. There’s actually no way around it.
In fact, sometimes the harder we try not to hurt people’s feelings, the more we hurt them. (Tweet this)
So my approach is to just be honest and not worry about being too humble. Just speak, clearly and directly.
Then, if what I said hurts someone’s feelings, I listen intently and apologize quickly.
Honest first. Humble second.
If you’re the type of person who tends to speak out of turn or speak without thinking anyway, this might not be for you.
But if you’re like me and you lean toward biting your tongue—you might have to push yourself a little bit to start being more honest.
3. Be loyal to yourself first and others second.
This was something suggested to me by my husband who had seen me be loyal to friendships for years (decades) at the expense of my own needs, thoughts, desires.
At first, the thought sounded completely…umm… rude to me.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how completely draining it was to constantly be thinking about how everyone else was thinking and feeling, etc—at the expense of myself.
No wonder I was tired all the time. Anxious. Depressed. Disconnected. Etc.
These days, I try really hard to be loyal to my own needs first—and when my basic needs are met, I serve others. When I approach life this way, I have so much more to give.
4. No obsessing allowed.
I used to waste hours of my life (you would be shocked) obsessing over an email or a text message. I would sometimes sit at my computer for 45 minutes, trying to decide if I should send a tweet.
Or, after hanging out with a friend, I would drive home obsessing over something I did or said (“I can’t believe I said that! She probably hates me now…”)
My new rule for myself is: this is not allowed.
Either I send it. Or I don’t send it. No obsessing.
Yes, I have more typos in my emails these days and I’m sure I’ve sent a tweet or two that was either dull or self-indulgent.
But I’m also more likely to pick up the phone and call (rather than text or email) if the subject is sensitive.
And I’m not willing to waste my life away worrying about making a mistake when mistakes are how we learn and grow.
So that’s it. that’s my list. Are you a people pleaser? How are you recovering?
Great article! I have several friends, along with myself, who could benefit from this reminder!
Ok girl, where were you and this blog 3 months ago? 🙂 This was so spot on. And like you, I think it’s funny that my husband was the one to point out my friendship issues as well. I’m getting healthier but I’ve also hurt a few people I love because I have changed and they’re used to the people pleasing version of me. Did you struggle with this? I’m recognizing that these folks weren’t willing to fight for the friendship, so why was I?? It’s been liberating but also a bit painful as well.
I’m just too happy that everything is in place for me now. I would gladly recommend the use of spell to any one going through marriage problems and want to put an end to it by emailing Dr Emu through emutemple@gmail.com and that was where I got the help to restore my marriage. Whatsapp +2347012841542
https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple-104891335203341
I’d like to thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this blog.
I’m hoping to view the same high-grade blog posts
from you later on as well. In fact, your creative writing abilities has encouraged me
to get my own website now 😉
This is a topic that’s near to my heart…
Many thanks! Exactly where are your contact details though?
I am curious to find out what blog system you are using?
I’m having some minor security issues with my latest blog and I’d like to find
something more secure. Do you have any suggestions?
Hmm is anyone else experiencing problems with the pictures on this blog loading?
I’m trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it’s
the blog. Any responses would be greatly appreciated.
My brother suggested I might like this web site.
He was totally right. This post truly made my day.
You cann’t imagine just how much time I had spent for this info!
Thanks!
It’s actually a great and helpful piece of information. I’m satisfied
that you shared this helpful info with us. Please stay us informed like this.
Thanks for sharing.
Every weekend i used to pay a quick visit this
website, as i wish for enjoyment, for the reason that this this web page
conations really good funny stuff too.
DR EMU WHO HELP PEOPLE IN ANY TYPE OF LOTTERY NUMBERS
It is a very hard situation when playing the lottery and never won, or keep winning low fund not up to 100 bucks, i have been a victim of such a tough life, the biggest fund i have ever won was 100 bucks, and i have been playing lottery for almost 12 years now, things suddenly change the moment i came across a secret online, a testimony of a spell caster called dr emu, who help people in any type of lottery numbers, i was not easily convinced, but i decided to give try, now i am a proud lottery winner with the help of dr emu, i won $1,000.0000.00 and i am making this known to every one out there who have been trying all day to win the lottery, believe me this is the only way to win the lottery.
Contact him on email Emutemple@gmail.com
What’s app +2347012841542
I suffered from what they called peripheral artery disease (PAD). I have been suffering for years, Me and my wife searched for a medical cure, and then we came across a testimony of a man who suffered the same and was cured by Dr Chief Lucky. So my wife and I contacted Dr Chief Lucky via an email and thank God he replied. I explained what was wrong and he sent me herbal medicines that helped heal me completely. I am happy to say that herbal medicine is the ultimate and Dr Chief Lucky I am grateful. You can contact him on his email: chiefdrlucky@gmail.com or whatsapp: +2348132777335, Facebook page http://facebook.com/chiefdrlucky website https://chiefdrlucky.com/. He said that he also specializes in the following diseases: ALS, CANCER, HPV, HERPES, DIABETES, HEPATITIS B, HIV, And more.
EFFECTIVE LOVE SPELL TO GET EX HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND OR EX WIFE/GIRLFRIEND AND CURE HERPES AND INFERTILITY THAT WORKS WITHIN 24 HOURS. WIN LOTTERY POWERBALL/MEGAMILLIONS 100% GUARANTEED
Contact Dr. Odunga at odungaspelltemple@gmail.com OR Whats App/CALL +2348167159012
I got my ex husband back to me and also got fertile and gave birth to twin girls after 12 years of marriage.
When I came online last year, I saw a testimony about Doctor ODUNGA and how he has been helping people with marriage issues and I decided to contact him. We spoke on email at odungaspelltemple@gmail.com and later he gave me his WhatsApp number which is +2348167159012. He assured me he would help me get my ex husband back after 3 years of no contact. Doctor Odunga is the best spell caster I must say. My husband called me after 24 hours of contact. The third day, I received natural herbs for fertility and after using it, I became fertile and conceived. I and my husband reconnected, had sex and I was pregnant. Presently I am happy to say I am the mother of twin girls and this is ALL THANKS TO DOCTOR ODUNGA. I came online to say this If you need help, I believe you are saved with this man.
Contact his email at odungaspelltemple@gmail.com
OR Whats App/Call +2348167159012 and you too will give a testimony too to help others