You’ve heard it said, “you can’t be too careful” but I just don’t think that’s true. In fact, I’m starting to see how living life too carefully is the fastest way to get a life that is boring and empty of the things I care the most about.
I’ve lived most of my life really carefully.
I was careful about money and careful about friends (I didn’t want to get mixed up with the “wrong crowd”) and careful about each decision I made. I obsessed over where to go to college, and what jobs to take or not take, and always wanted to make sure everything was logical and in-a-row.
I don’t know where this inclination came from in me. It doesn’t even match my personality (I’m more creative and absentminded) but maybe that’s why I decided it was so important to be careful.
I was convinced that, if I was careful, everything would fall into place.
So I went to college and got good grades, and then went to graduate school just for good measure. I got a job with great benefits and a good retirement package and kept a big buffer in my savings account. I was meticulous about charting my spending. I never bought anything that wasn’t on sale.
Because, well, you can never be too careful.
I kept huge margins in my schedule and made sure I went to bed at 9pm every night. I worked out everyday, without fail, and only ate certain foods, both for health reasons, and for vanity reasons (I didn’t want to gain weight). I wouldn’t go on trips, or to other people’s houses, because you never know what kind of food they might serve there.
I was single, and wanted to be married, but rarely went on group outings, or talked to people I didn’t already know, or accepted dates.
Stranger danger, you know. Safety first.
You can never be too careful, I told myself.
The problem is, after years and years of being so careful, I got to a place in my life where I realized that, although I had this perceived control over my environment, I didn’t really like any of it. I wasn’t getting what I wanted. My life felt pretty meaningless and white-washed. The things I cared about most seemed out of my reach.
So I decided to do something completely un-careful. In fact, it was the most careless thing I have ever done. I decided to quit my job, move out of my apartment, sell everything I owned and spent the next year of my life traveling across the country so I could write a book about it.
It was literally the least careful thing I had ever done, but it was also the most rewarding and wonderful and fulfilling.
And, if I had approached the trip carefully, I wouldn’t have gone.
In fact, weeks before the trip happened I nearly backed out in the name of being careful. I was planning to travel with a friend, so I invited her to coffee and told her I had thought a lot about it, and I didn’t want to go. I had my list of reasons. We could run out of money, I told her. Our car could break down. Or (my personal favorite excuse): If I left home now, I would never find a husband.
I’m not sure where I got the idea that I couldn’t get married if I was busy living my life, but that was my strange and unhelpful conclusion.
That was my way of being careful.
And yet, what is most shocking to me about this realization is that most of what I love about my life now, I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for that trip: My job (writing). My home (Nashville). My husband (we met because of an article I wrote about the trip online). I think there’s something powerful about taking our focus off of what we don’t want, and putting it on what we do want.
What if we lived our lives like that—not being careful to avoid anything but being intentional to point ourselves toward what really matters?
I have a friend named Daniel who talks about being mindful—
And, for me, that’s a much better word than careful. When I’m living my life careful to avoid the things I don’t want to happen, strangely, I end up getting them anyway. Have you ever noticed this? When I’m scared of regretting a decision, I’m much more likely to end up regretting it. When I’m scared of saying something stupid, I’m much more likely to put my foot in my mouth.
And yet, when I live my life mindful of what I care about, where I’m headed, what I really want, I have this strange and totally awesome tendency to move toward it.
These days, I try not to be too careful. If I find myself talking or thinking about being “careful” to avoid something bad, I remind myself to reframe that. I ask myself what I really want out of my life.
I fix my mind on that thing and work to move toward it.
I’ve been told before that I am too cautious with everything. I am an over-planner. If I don’t have a concrete plan to set something in motion, I just won’t do it, because “what if it doesn’t turn out the way I want?” I am a control freak, and I hate it. I spend so much time worrying about “playing it safe” without even realizing it. It’s exhausting. And I constantly feel STUCK. It takes a lot of courage to go with your gut feeling when all rational reasoning is working against it. But any time that I have done that, the results have been amazing. I sort of feel as though my direction isn’t very clear, and I really REALLY want to get clear on that before I take the leap.
Thanks Allison!
ps- I LOVE your book 🙂
Hi Allison,
I read your book almost a year ago and it was AWESOME!!!
I have read every single blog post on your website since reading your book as well. In case you ever wonder about the impact you are making through your blog, just know it is a big impact. Please keep the posts coming. I am glad you went on that trip.
Iris
Allison
I am not sure how I found your blog but I always find them interesting. My spouse, Melinda, is a safetyite. Always questioning the safety of doing everything. My son and I are leaving in the spring from Wisconsin and sIling to the Caribbean. Melinda is not going to join us because of safety concerns. It’s a big boat, 45 feet, and very comfortable at sea.
I will pass your article along to her.
Gary
Oh my aching stomach! Let go? Allow ‘it’ to happen??!! I’ve protected my ‘room’ so well, so long…I don’t know how to let go! Please keep up your efforts….God has done a good work in me and this is the next step.. But it feels like I’m stepping off the edge of the world…
I knew I had no capacity to enjoy..have fun.
He has done so much but this involves the final part of my life. ..before I am released to be with Him forever.
I will work today…but I think I NEED to go away somewhere for the next few days. God will provide…so I can get away.
More later and thank you.
Your knack of saying exactly what I need to hear is proving downright uncanny.
It is truly a sum of all my fears – “Safety”. This has made me rethink that concern, cos although i was raised in a country, unbelievably far from safe yet, i’m more concerned with being too careful than enjoying life as God plans it out for me. Thank you for sharing your heart in your blogs, i hear me speaking to myself as i read them.
excellent post. Job hit a home run when he said the very thing we fear will come upon us.
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This post is so awesome. I needed this, is so easy for us to live guided by fear!! But when you step out of it, you realize it was not as scary as you imagined and that making mistakes is not so bad at the end! 🙂
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